Thursday, July 19, 2012

THINGS I'M AFRAID TO TELL YOU

If you read a lot of blogs, no doubt you have come across this project initiated by Jess Constable , that became a challenge to other bloggers here .  I came across this whole thing on a blog that i like very much, who was questioning the authenticity of it. Because that is the way she  blogs. With her happy posts there will include sometimes spill all, with rants and whines and i'm-really-having-a-crappy-time-of-it-all entries. One thing i have to say is, i have always admired this blogger. I like how she is real, and people accept her for just being herself.  I have always been afraid my readers would be all "oh nooooo, i don't want to read anything depressing or too personal". Not that i want to tell you the details of my sex life or something but just to not be afraid to not hold things back.  and i do.

*I have a mental illness. i may have  mentioned it very briefly, but usually talk about my physical illness only because i think it's too much. Too much hardship nobody wants to hear about. I've dealt with this since around age 21. Been on and off of a million meds.  Have frequent panic attacks. Have instances of fear of abandonement, paranoia, and irrational thoughts. They have caused me to lose a lot of friends.  This is why i didn't want to bring it up, i thought i'd lose some more. (i am mostly managed thru meds, h owever, and haven't lost a friend in quite a while).

*That i have icky, not-what-i chose furniture in my bedroom.  You know, the bedroom that we live in (until May). It's bad enough that i have to live in a little room, but it's like i have trained my brain to not notice the furniture in here was chosen by my in-laws in a thrift. you know i LOVE thrifts, but this is not  my style. i have great stuff in storage, in sutherlin, oregon that i will have again soon. but when i look at other blogger's photos of their spaces, i always feel that no matter how much i try to make this space me, it isn't ever going to be.  and i'm embarassed to admit that.

*I don't want to be this fat. This is a big one. Why? because where i'm from, there is a big supportive fat acceptance movement. i love this movement. i love the people i have met from it, and i DO think they are beautiful!! But i never want to admit that for me, i feel that this fat that i carry around is hurting my health and chances for living a long time. I know within this group or movement, this is not the popular consensus. I'm afraid i will lose my FA friends. It just boils down to this. i don't want to die. I am losing weight (60 lbs) but almost am afraid to celebrate it, or certain people  might get offended.

*I want validation. I want acknowledgement for my work. my clothes, my shops, my art, my photography. i want others to see what i see in it, a really good job. a really good photo. i'm the first to be saying"i'ts not that good" about many things that i do. but the things i really do think i'm good at, i want other people to tell me they think so too. it seems so shallow. i DO get really good feedback on etsy. i guess i just can't take it to heart.

*I'm having a real hard time getting older. I'm 59. I don't look 59, but my body feels 85. I'm afraid to lose "it", whatever "it" is. I do have bits of inspiration tho. I have admiration for women of a certain age, who aren't afraid to be themselves and have tons of confidence. When i put makeup on, i almost cry, i am so unhappy with what i see. i don't like what my skin is doing. my fifties have been the hardest decade bar none. i'm not accepting the changes well. I do have high hopes this will get better. Although, i  just recently decided i WOULD like to have grey hair. i think it all just means, the more i age, the sooner i'm going to die. and i already said that i'm afraid of that.

MAN, i feel so much better.  maybe i don't have the coolest space-that-i-would-have-if-i-just-had-my-stuff. maybe i do have to take a bucket full of meds every day. maybe i'm not as known as i wish i were.  i'm not one of the BIG bloggers. as a matter of fact, i often wonder if anyone reads this blog at all.  despite these little bumps in the road, i still see my glass as half full.  so many things make me happy.  i still wake up being thankful for another day to enjoy=) i'm excited for my shops! and i love doing this blog. no  matter what. thanks for listening xoxoxo

4 comments:

Vix said...

I'm reading! What an honest post this is, Deb.
First off I don't think I know many people who haven't suffered or been close to someone with a mental illness, you're in good company and should never worry about sharing it. The more people talk about it the less taboo it becomes.
If your health demands that you lose weight then go for it. If the FAs don't approve so be it. There's a blog called Beautifully Invisible and it's all about being over 40 and proud of the way you look, join, post a weekly outfit shot and become part of that community, it's friendly, doesn't mind what size you are or what you look like, it's all about positivity & acceptance.
Get out there, don't be shy, comment on other blogs and join in, as long as you are yourself you'll find your tribe! xxx

deborah said...

thanks, vix xxx

lee said...

Hi can I come too?
Lee
I am fat but don't mention it on line much as people don't like fat people, hell even I don't! Judging a book by it's cover is human,the nice people see past it the rest don't matter! I can help with your room maybe,I used to teach interior design and my specialty is,wait for it, budget decorating!

deborah said...

go ahead and join that group, lee. they are really nice.