Friday, January 06, 2012

{green light means go}

i had the breakthrough in therapy  yesterday that i've been moving towards for 26 years. whenever i used to try to open up, i never felt right about it, and i know now that it was because i wasn't coming close to the real deal. i have asked myself so many times-why is it taking me so long to figure it out? but i had to go through what i went through to get to the place where it was exactly the right time. i had to be married 12 years to my husband. i had to move here for awhile. it is all around trust, and why i don't have it for others or for  myself. it explains my constantly questionning myself. it's why i think i'm such a fuck up. i'ts why i lived my life in panic and fear. it was the motherlode. i don't feel the same at all. i feel a peace i have never felt, ever. a calm, and a new little voice in my head that now says "it's alright". everything is changed. and everything i do from here on out will be changed, and for the (much, much) better. i forgive those who have not been what i needed them to be, and so grateful for those who have.  and no matter what happens to me, i know i will be okay.. even if the bottom falls out, i will make it. i am now in the process of flushing out the intelligent adult part of me. and beginning to find the separation between me and the massively traumatised child. the standpoint where i've seen almost everything from. how i developed a mental illness. oh, i see it all. i understand it all. last night i slept the sleep of someone who doesn't have to be sorry for everything anymore.  isn't it great?

2 comments:

thewonderfulhappens said...

I'm so happy for you, Deb. You deserve happiness (and sleep!!!).

deborah said...

thank you, elizabeth xx it's a feeling like i never expected. i'm just so calm =) and #2 night no nightmares! hope this trend will continue xx